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Something every computer-enhanced male runs into at some time or
other, usually recurringly and severely, is the complaint that he is
"always" at the keyboard. This can come from family members (especially
wife or girl-friend) or friends, but is almost invariably from the
female of the species. (My son for instance never
complains about this, except when my being at a particular keyboard prevents
him from being there! Usually, however, he is too busy at another
system... My daughter on the other hand, despite being just as adept on the
computer, will. -- Both of me and her brother.)
What this is, is simply a female call for attention. Heed it, whenever
possible (even though I know that this may be both difficult and inconvenient),
because it is also invariably the expression of a longer period of pent-up
discontent. Do not, repeat, do not try to argue logically about
the issue, citing balanced working hours statistics or time spent doing things
other than computer work, or that she spends more hours on the TV. It is
not a logical need that must be addressed here, not a balancing of equal
hours, it is an emotional and social need. And one that
needs attention right then and there, for it not to become a much more serious
problem.
I hear this complaint expressed from many directions, and my wife assures
me that everyone she knows who has a computer-active husband or boyfriend
has often complained of the very same thing.
Both sides of this divide need to understand something of the background
for the contention. Computers are wonderful toys, both for fun and pleasure.
One of the traits in males that females find attractive is our capacity for
focus and commitment, since this after all is often what makes him
pursue her in the first place and settle down to loyal and providing
family life. Unfortunately, this same trait will keep him at a keyboard
in front of a screen for many hours too long, oblivious to the signals that
he should maybe be interacting with her just then.
Look at it from another perspective. She will think nothing of
interacting socially while doing several other things at the same time, even
while watching TV. He is generally incapable of this kind of
social/practical multitasking. -- When working, he must concentrate
fully on the task at hand, often until it is completed to some definable
stage of satisfaction. This can take hours, days, weeks, ... Until
then, he does not want to be disturbed! During such times,
she will feel ignored, even rebuffed, and bottle this feeling up
far too long before expressing it.
Now it does not matter whether the computer task at hand is work, games,
surfing the Web, or just the recurring maintenance involved in keeping a
wintel system useful. And there are always things
he wants to do with the system; new programs to investigate, tweaks
to apply, and so on.
In all these cases, he will strongly radiate the do not
disturb signals -- it is in his nature to do so. And
he can get quite testy about distractions that break his
focus.
If you have occasion to watch a girl and a boy play the same computer game,
the difference is as a rule quite marked: he is totally focused
on the game, she wants to share the experience. In fact, without
the social sharing aspect, the game quickly becomes boring for the girl.
This is but one reason why girls are less interested in computer gaming --
there are few games that encourage social sharing, while there are many that
cannot be played successfully without total concentration for long periods
of time. Most games are also designed by males, so no wonder.
Anyway, I read recently a serious reflection (interestingly by Howard
Rheigold, founder of "the
Well", that ur-web community) that was more than a little insightful
into the oft-cited but little-understood Amish attitude to technology.
Amish folk are not against technology as such, instead they carefully
weigh the potential influence that using the technology may have on the social
interactions in the family and in the community. On the whole, much of modern
technology has been judged detrimental to the community. These attitudes
are in constant flux and discussion, however, so that for example cellular
phones are, at least for now, accepted in large areas; the view being that
these do on the balance promote community communication in a way that the
ordinary telephone does not.
Rheingold's. point was that we should all reflect more on how our
lives are affected by technology, and how its use either promotes or disrupts
our social interactivity. This is especially valid in the small circle of
family as we become more tied up with computers and "home entertainment"
systems in general. We should all make constant efforts to keep the
personal touch alive, and focus, at least from time to time, on
real-world, liveware, interactions.
Think about it.
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LeufNet